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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22376560">Everything I wanted</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diricawl_Van/pseuds/Diricawl_Van'>Diricawl_Van</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>But when I wake up I see you with me [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lyrics prompt, M/M, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, i love them why do i do this to them, they happy tho</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 14:36:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,527</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22376560</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diricawl_Van/pseuds/Diricawl_Van</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"He was on the stage telling jokes in his speech after receiving gremmy for his 3. Netflix special. Bright lights, people laughing, his parents in front row cheering, award standing in his hand yet he wasn't happy. Not truly."</p><p> </p><p>There's tin line between dreams and reality and sometimes it feels like there's none. </p><p> </p><p>aka. Reddie fic prompted by Billie Eilish - Everything I wanted</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>But when I wake up I see you with me [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1610734</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Everything I wanted</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I've listened to the song at least 120 times while writing and I'm kinda proud on this one!</p><p>I hope you enjoy!! &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He was on the stage telling jokes in his speech after receiving Grammy for his third Netflix special. Bright lights, people laughing, his parents in front row cheering, award standing in his hand yet he wasn’t happy. Not truly. Like something dark settled in his stomach and he didn’t know why. But he faked a smile. He laughed and finished his speech.</p><p> </p><p>“So thank you again for this shiny thing that’s gonna stand useless on my shelf and I better not see that somebody feel asleep while I was talking when I watch the show on TV. This has been Richie trashmouth Tozier annoying you. Goodnight!” </p><p> </p><p>Audience laughed once again and he existed the stage. Few people where congratulating him behind the scenes so he kept a smile while going the path where he somehow knew toilet was (he couldn’t remember ever going there but he didn’t question it).</p><p> </p><p>When he entered it his smile dropped and he looked at himself. He didn’t look good. Even behind all the makeup on his face he could see bags under eyes and the way his eyes seemed empty. Soulless. He needed to see others. To see Eddie. They always made things better. Eddie made things better. </p><p> </p><p>That’s when he heard footsteps. He thought that it was maybe looking for him so he hid in one of the stalls. It wasn’t. Someone just used the toilet and went on without even washing their hands.</p><p> </p><p>He collected himself and with last “you can do it” to his reflection in the mirror and exited bathroom. He went to the entry and looked around. When he spot the Losers he quickly went to them, Grammy still in his hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Richie, congrats man” was the only thing Ben said. They were all cold to him. Hesitant.</p><p> </p><p>“Um thanks. Have you guys maybe seen Eddie?”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you serious?!” Bill said. He was angry. Richie didn’t understand. “This is why we stopped hanging out with you!”</p><p> </p><p>“He’s dead Richie! He’s been dead for years! Accept it! He’s not coming back no matter how many “oh where’s Eddie” jokes you make!! He’s gone!!!” Bev was screaming at him.</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Richie spoke his tone weak, scared.</p><p> </p><p>“Guys leave him he’s clearly delusional. Stuck in the past with his dirty secrets.” Mike said.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly every single person in the award hall was looking at him. Looking at him and repeating. </p><p> </p><p>“Dirty. Crazy. Sick. Dirty. Dirty. Crazy. Sick.”</p><p> </p><p>Words were sticking in his head. Hitting him. And he felt himself falling. Falling into the darkness. Drowning. Richie couldn’t scream. Couldn’t hide. Ask for help. He just felt more and more pressure on himself until he finally hit the bottom. He felt immeasurable pain but nothing broke or bled.</p><p> </p><p>He looked around himself. Everything was black but it was still somehow glowing. Lack of light and light in same time. Blinding and comforting the same time. </p><p> </p><p>His glasses somehow still in one peace were next to him as he sat up. He put them on and two colourful blobs near him cleared and he could clearly see.. no… </p><p> </p><p>“Eds? Stan?” Richie asked his voice unsure. </p><p> </p><p>“So looks trashmouth finally decided to join us, eh, Eddie?” Stan chuckled, chuckle somehow scary sounding. </p><p> </p><p>“Looks like he did. Not that we were really looking up to it.” </p><p> </p><p>Richie looked at Eddie. He couldn’t understand that that was Eddie, his Eddie saying it. </p><p> </p><p>“So your weak psyche couldn’t take the truth  ha? You had a heart attack and died just from people telling you that Eddie died even though more than 10 years passed since the Derry incident. Pathetic, really. ” Stan continued as if Richie’s face didn’t tell him anything. </p><p> </p><p>“But.. but..” Richie turned to Eddie, his breathing was fast and so was his mumbling “You didn’t.. you didn’t die. I pulled you out of the house with Mike. We saved you. You lived. You…” </p><p> </p><p>“SAVED ME?!” Eddie screamed “YOU DIDN’T SAVE ME! YOU LEFT MY BODY TO ROT IN THE DIRTY SEWERS WITH REMAINS OF THAT CLOWN! YOU LEFT ME TO DIE ALONE IN THE DARK! WHY YOU DIDN’T SAVE ME, RICHIE?”</p><p> </p><p>“No.. no.. that didn’t happen I-I did, I-” Richie tried but it wasn’t heard over Eddie’s screaming, Stan chanting with him from beside him.</p><p> </p><p>“WHY DIDN’T YOU SAVE ME RICHIE”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Richie..”<br/>
<em></em></em>
</p><p>
 “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAVE ME"
 
</p><p>
<em>“Richie, honey… please”<br/>
<em></em></em>
    

</p><p>
“RICHIE WHY DIDN’T YOU"
</p><p>
 <em>“RICHIE! Wake up!”<br/>
<em></em></em>

</p><p>
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            <em>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</em>
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            <em>Richie catapulted himself from the bed, breathing heavily. He was shaking and could feel wet tiers on his cheeks.</em>
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            <em>“Finally.” Said a soft voice behind him “I was trying to wake you up for half an hour. Back than you were kicking the covers but then you started talking and crying ten minutes ago. Are you alright?”</em>
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            <em>Richie turned to look at the caring and worried look on Eddie’s face.</em>
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            <em>“Eds.” He chocked out and than launched himself onto Eddie, shaking with his sobs.</em>
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            <em>“Hey. Hey. It’s alright. I’m here. No one can hurt you. I’ve got you. Shhhh.” Eddie held him tight. “Please don’t cry. You know that whenever you cry I have to cry as well.”</em>
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            <em>He said pulling away a little so he could see Richie’s face. His eyes were already a little watery. Eddie was holding Richie tightly and slowly petting his cheek until Richie’s sobs stopped and his breathing regulated. </em>
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            <em>“Do you want to tell me what was that about? I would think it was a regular nightmare but usually you don’t kick or cry this much” he laughed a little. One of those quiet “I love you” laughs he reserved only for Richie.</em>
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            <em>“Regular nightmare” were Richie’s nightmares that kept repeating th couple of years. In it Richie didn’t get to take Eddie to the hospital on time and he died in the car in Richie’s hands and “I fucked your mum” instead of “I love you”, like their tradition was, as his last words.</em>
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            <em>“It didn’t start as a nightmare” Richie said sitting up a little, so he was still in Eddies lap, his head on Eddie’s chest and his hands around him. His voice quiet, unlike his usual self, hiccupy “I got everything I wanted. Some big award, I can’t remember which, people laughing at my jokes, my parents cheering…” </em>
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            <em>He made little pause. Eddie squeezed his hand reassuringly.</em>
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            <em>“But I wasn’t happy. I didn’t know why but I wasn’t. I looked at the mirror and saw the same picture as before Derry. Empty and depressing.” </em>
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            <em>At that he took a deep breath, his words getting even more shaky. </em>
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            <em>“So I went to find you and the Losers. And I found them. They didn’t seem to like me though.” </em>
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            <em>A self depreciating laugh escalated him. </em>
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            <em>“They got angry when I asked where are you and Bill and Bev where screaming how I should stop making jokes like that when you” he gulped “died and that that was the reason they stopped talking to me. I think Mike also said something about me being insane and dirty or something like that and everybody in there started repeating it.”</em>
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            <em>“Richie..”</em>
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            <em>“And THEN…” </em>
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            <em>Richie knew that if he let Eddie distract him now he would never finish or he would forget, what he didn’t knew was that there where even more tears on his cheeks now than before.</em>
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            <em>“…then I fell into some darkness or some shit and you and Stan were there. And he called me weak.. pathetic. And you were just screaming how I let-“ his crying was now stopping him from talking “how I let you d-die in sewers and why I didn’t s-save you and were dead and angry and hated me and Eds..”</em>
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            <em>“Richie stop. Please stop. I’m here. I’m safe. You are as well. That was just a nightmare. I could never hate you, you dumbass. I love you so fucking much.”</em>
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            <em>Eddie was hugging him even harder then before. A crying Richie was one of the saddest views you can see. His whole body was crying instead of just his eyes. Shaking, trying to pull itself into a ball of sadness. Eddie was also crying holding onto Richie to reassure him, he was there, as well as himself. They were holding onto each other like they would disappear into thin air if they didn’t.</em>
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            <em>“ I love you too” Richie said when he finally calmed down, placing kisses on Eddie’s shoulder “so fucking much”</em>
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            <em>“Should we sleep now? We can talk more in the morning. I can call sick on work and we can make pancakes and watch some of those stupid old comedies you like the whole day. What do you think?” Eddie suggested, smiling at Richie. </em>
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            <em>“I think that is one of the best ideas you've had in a while” Richie replied smiling as well, wiping the tears from his eyes.</em>
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            <em>They feel asleep a little later, in their bed, in their house, feeling each other’s wedding ring in their hands with intertwined fingers, holding onto each other like it was always supposed to be, nightmares be damned. Like it always will be.</em>
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 <em>I had a dream<br/>
I got everything I wanted<br/>
But when I wake up, I see<br/>
You with me.<br/>
<em></em></em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I've written a sequel with really fluffy morning after so tell me if you want that? I'm probably gonna post it in two weeks. </p><p>Anyways thanks for reading till next time &lt;&lt;33</p></blockquote></div></div>
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